by Shelly Bock

Dear Friends,

The song "Jedidiah" was birthed out of the Lord's overwhelming forgiveness. The Lord was knocking on the door of my heart
to ask if He and I could take a look at my life. The time was 1988. I was a twenty-year-old girl in a tumultuous relationship with my high-school sweetheart. We repeatedly made wrong choices as a couple, and in the midst of yet another breakup I learned I was pregnant. I read the results of the home pregnancy test, hoping I had performed the test incorrectly. I come from a large Hispanic American family. Mom had hoped I would accomplish so much with an education and career. I was always the achiever, the one who was to do so much. I'd be such a disappointment to my entire family now. I was a "good girl" on the outside, hiding the shame of my immorality on the inside. I knew I didn't want to be forced into a marriage that I felt was destined to fail. I had already seen the pain that a struggling
marriage could cause. The baby's father and I were both young and did not have a firm basis for either love or a committed
marriage. I was faced with raising a child entirely on my own. So many questions raced through my mind. I was afraid of the unknown.  I couldn't be what this baby needed.

Caught in a crevice deep inside my mind,
I see these old pictures,
Things that I've left far behind.
And in the shadows I see a little baby
But try as he may, he just can't reach me.

No one knew of my decision to abort the baby, except for a distant "safe" friend. I drove to the clinic alone, and after it was
over I cried bitter tears as the reality of what I had done hit me. I came home to a dark, empty house where I resolved to forget the incident ever happened. I somehow managed to hide it from my family, friends, even the father of the child. Everyone but
myself. I couldn't hide it from me.

O, how I long to hold you now
Can you ever know?
Decisions we make in the midst of our ignorance,
No time to think of living with the consequence.

My choices reflected the pain and guilt I tried to deny. I began drinking and increasingly experimenting with drugs. With that,
my judgment decreased. I got involved with several men, hoping that someone would fill the growing void I felt inside. Somehow, their affirmation would make me feel that I was okay, an acceptable person. As each relationship ended, I only felt more and more alone. As I sank deeper and deeper into this cycle of abuse and rejection, I grew only more cold, bitter, and worldly. My lifestyle was taking its toll on me physically as well as spiritually. There was no satisfaction.

Naive young girl living in two different worlds.
Fear was the master of all my ways.
Chaos, confusion, a whirl of emotion.
And with the stroke of a pen,
I took your life away.
Breath of life away.

A casual friend began calling me. As I shared more and more details of my life with her, she began to share the unchanging
love Jesus had for me. My heart broke as she shared of His forgiveness for even the worst of sinners. I had blatantly rejected Him so many times in my bitterness, but now these words were life to a person who was dying inside. I asked Jesus into my heart ten days after my twenty-third birthday, almost three years after the abortion I tried so desperately to hide. This abortion was the first thing He asked me to confess. First to Himself, my mom, and then to the father of the child. With each plea for forgiveness, I was met with mercy and compassion.

Oh, how I long to hold

I came to Jesus People USA about a year later and was reserved about sharing that part of my life. Would I be rejected if anyone knew I was capable of aborting my own child? Through a turn of events, I had the opportunity to complete a Bible study at our Crisis Pregnancy Center. The Lord ministered a new depth of His love for me and for my unborn child. I was humbled as my loving Father took my hand and walked me through another layer of healing in the most painful part of my life. As the study came to a close, I was to name my child and offer him or her a gift. I asked the Lord for a song to offer as my gift, and a name to call my child. The song on this album "Jedidiah" is named for him, which means "loved by the Lord." I pray that this song will minister healing, the healing only He can truly give.

I'm walking with the Lord now,
He's forgiven me.
But I can't change the things I've done.
He's given me a promise that I'll see you soon,
And if I can't hold you now, Jedidiah,
I'll hold you in my heart,
Hold you in my dreams,
Hold you in my heart....

Love and God bless you,
Shelly Bock

Return to Inspirational Poetry

Return to Poetry Page


"Untitled," greeting card design by Helen Nelson Reed
This image is © copyright and is not to be used without the artist's permission
Background design by SilverBerch, copyright© 2001