The song "Jedidiah" was birthed
out of the Lord's overwhelming forgiveness. The Lord was knocking on the
door of my heart
to ask if He and I could
take a look at my life. The time was 1988. I was a twenty-year-old girl
in a tumultuous relationship with my high-school sweetheart. We repeatedly
made wrong choices as a couple, and in the midst of yet another breakup
I learned I was pregnant. I read the results of the home pregnancy test,
hoping I had performed the test incorrectly. I come from a large Hispanic
American family. Mom had hoped I would accomplish so much with an education
and career. I was always the achiever, the one who was to do so much. I'd
be such a disappointment to my entire family now. I was a "good girl" on
the outside, hiding the shame of my immorality on the inside. I knew I
didn't want to be forced into a marriage that I felt was destined to fail.
I had already seen the pain that a struggling
marriage could cause. The
baby's father and I were both young and did not have a firm basis for either
love or a committed
marriage. I was faced with
raising a child entirely on my own. So many questions raced through my
mind. I was afraid of the unknown. I couldn't be what this baby needed.
Caught in a crevice deep
inside my mind,
I see these old pictures,
Things that I've left
And in the shadows I see
a little baby
But try as he may, he
just can't reach me.
No one knew of my decision
to abort the baby, except for a distant "safe" friend. I drove to the clinic
alone, and after it was
over I cried bitter tears
as the reality of what I had done hit me. I came home to a dark, empty
house where I resolved to forget the incident ever happened. I somehow
managed to hide it from my family, friends, even the father of the child.
myself. I couldn't hide it
O, how I long to hold you
Can you ever know?
Decisions we make in the
midst of our ignorance,
No time to think of living
with the consequence.
My choices reflected the pain
and guilt I tried to deny. I began drinking and increasingly experimenting
with drugs. With that,
my judgment decreased. I
got involved with several men, hoping that someone would fill the growing
void I felt inside. Somehow, their affirmation would make me feel that
I was okay, an acceptable person. As each relationship ended, I only felt
more and more alone. As I sank deeper and deeper into this cycle of abuse
and rejection, I grew only more cold, bitter, and worldly. My lifestyle
was taking its toll on me physically as well as spiritually. There was
Naive young girl living
in two different worlds.
Fear was the master of
all my ways.
Chaos, confusion, a whirl
And with the stroke of
I took your life away.
Breath of life away.
A casual friend began calling
me. As I shared more and more details of my life with her, she began to
share the unchanging
love Jesus had for me. My
heart broke as she shared of His forgiveness for even the worst of sinners.
I had blatantly rejected Him so many times in my bitterness, but now these
words were life to a person who was dying inside. I asked Jesus into my
heart ten days after my twenty-third birthday, almost three years after
the abortion I tried so desperately to hide. This abortion was the first
thing He asked me to confess. First to Himself, my mom, and then to the
father of the child. With each plea for forgiveness, I was met with mercy
Oh, how I long to hold
I came to Jesus People USA
about a year later and was reserved about sharing that part of my life.
Would I be rejected if anyone knew I was capable of aborting my own child?
Through a turn of events, I had the opportunity to complete a Bible study
at our Crisis Pregnancy Center. The Lord ministered a new depth of His
love for me and for my unborn child. I was humbled as my loving Father
took my hand and walked me through another layer of healing in the most
painful part of my life. As the study came to a close, I was to name my
child and offer him or her a gift. I asked the Lord for a song to offer
as my gift, and a name to call my child. The song on this album "Jedidiah"
is named for him, which means "loved by the Lord." I pray that this song
will minister healing, the healing only He can truly give.
I'm walking with the Lord
He's forgiven me.
But I can't change the
things I've done.
He's given me a promise
that I'll see you soon,
And if I can't hold you
I'll hold you in my heart,
Hold you in my dreams,
Hold you in my heart....
Love and God bless you,