Eddie: I'm a paranoid schizophrenic. I'm my own entourage!

Eddie: [to Gwen] You're the devil.

Hector: I really want to play a character like a The Terminator. You know because the Hispanic people are crying out to see a deadly, destructive, killing machine that they can embrace as their own. You know, that they can relate to...

Wellness Guide: Life's a cookie.

Ma'am? The butter? What, are they out of butter? How can you be out of butter?
If I had an assistant, she would be outside milking a cow, and I would never, ever run out of butter!

Kiki: I just--I just need you to know one thing. That woman that you saw by the pool the other night--no--that woman that you just have to spend the rest of your life with.....that was me.

Gwen: Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Eddie: Actually, it really is a gun.
[shoots her multiple times]

We have a saying Edward. Mecke Lecke Halava Beem sala beem. (What is that? Bean salad? Wha--) Mecke Lecke Salava. Beem sala Beem. (What does that mean?) I dont know what it means. Its very old...

[impersonating Gwen]
Kiki: Kiki? Kiki-kins? Is that smoke? Is someone smoking within a six-mile radius of me? Have them put it out! Kiki, my butter has touched another food! I need new butter!

Gwen: Your pillow's better than mine.

Eddie: I'm going to be truthful with you. I just took a half a pound of Vicodin, so I'm going to be feeling pretty good until March.

Eddie: And I am not on Zoloft, no matter what you read in People Magazine.

Lee: The movie was fantastic! Everyone loved it! They call it the Blair B---- Project

Gwen: We are like Sodom and Gomorrah

Eddie:I tried to walk away, but he kept pushing. So I hit him in the tray with my face.

Danny: Felix, this is Oscar. The monkey is in daycare. Repeat the monkey is in daycare.

Lee: Gwen, your dog just swallowed the window washer.
Gwen: Puppy!
Lee: Puppy? It's a raptor.
Kiki: Time for prozac.
Lee: She's taking prozac?
Kiki: No, the dog.

Lee: (on the phone) Can I have Holly Golightly's room please? 
Danny: Who's Holly Golightly? 
Lee: It's Gwen's code name....from Breakfast at Tiffanys.. (blank stare from danny)...Hepburn.... 
Danny: Oh right! (nods) uh..Katherine. 
Lee: Do yourself a favor, kid, and don't tell anyone that you're in the movie business.

I'll kill him! That sick son-of-a-bitch bastard. Put him on the speaker. Hi, Hal. How are you, darling? You're in my thoughts.I want to send you a basket. How's the film? 
Finding its way.
Could it find its way here? We have a few things to do,like finish it. 
It's finished, Dave. 
Great. How is it? 
My mother thinks it's my best work. 
Can I speak with her?
No, Dave..

Hector: Are you making fun of my accthent?

Hello I have a neck too, this thing holding up my head!

Book us in the middle of nowhere, where they can't escape. We need a hotel like the one in The Shining.

Gwen: I smell smoke. Is somebody smoking?

They say two weeks here changes your life. 
When are two weeks up?
Six months ago. But I'm getting close to something.

Kiki: I bet you've never read a book in your life.
Gwen: Ha! I read *all four* of the Harry Potter books!

Gwen: Kiki, what was that movie called? 
Kiki: I don't give a s---! 
Eddie: That wasn't it.

Gwen: She was so much more fun when she was fat.

Eddie: I'm grateful for the earth... I'm grateful for the sky...

Gwen: Don't you know the stress I have? Everyone hates me, everyone wants a piece of me. My therapist is out of the country, I wasn't nominated for a Golden Globe this year! Leave me alone!

Talk to your sister. At least she pretends to listen to you.
Where is she?
Grazing.

Gwen: I'm afraid.
Kiki: Of...? 
Gwen: That I'll see Eddie and he'll be a mess. I'll feel guilty. And I'm tired of feeling guilty. 
Kiki: I know. 
Gwen: I'm always thinking about other people. 
Kiki: I know you are. 
Gwen: I hate being the only one who cares about others. If they see Eddie down and sad, they'll pity him and blame me. 
Kiki: So what you're worried about is you.
Gwen: Of course.

Gwen: I was in that great store on Melrose. There was a baby in a stroller looking at me, and he was judging me. The whole world is judging me for what I did to Eddie..

Kiki: I don't eat bread.I just dream about bread.

 I'll take all of this to go. I'll need 30 bags and a forklift.

I'm sorry! You okay? 
What are you doing?
I was stopping you from jumping! 
By killing me?

Byron: Byron Allen, coming to you from EntertainmentStudios.com. Strap yourself in. I'm with America's sweethearts: Eddie Thomas and Gwen Harrison. Ready for this? They're not trying to kill each other. Are you back together? You look very comfortable. 
Eddie: I'll be honest. Before I came down from the room I took about a pound of Vicodin. I'll be comfortable till late March. 
Byron: You're funny. How do you live with him? 
Eddie: She doesn't. She lives with someone else.

Eddie! Are you okay? 
I can feel my nose in the back of my throat. Is that bad?

You look terrible. Does it hurt?
Only when I'm awake.

What the h--- happened?
Bad morning. Preceded by 33 bad years.

Hello? Hey, Gwen, it's Lee. I'm at the restaurant, and guess what? You're not.

Gwen: It's so hard being someone people just don't get over.

 Ladies and gentlemen this is the most honest movie I have ever made. I wasn't looking for it. It came to me like a bus in the street. Or the woman who changes the flowers at our desert house. I can't talk about this film without weeping. Roll it.

 This is real life. The juice. The stink. The glory.

So you're in love with Eddie? 
Wouldn't that be stupid?
I've done every one of their movies. He never looks at her the way he looks at you.

Kiki: Look, I am just tired of making excuses. I am done picking up dirty clothes. I am done pretending that your life is my whole life. I'm just.... I'm done. 
Gwen: So what you're really worried about is you, right? Well, I guess you're fired. Honey. You know all I care about is your happiness. So don't worry about me. I'll be fine. 
Kiki: You're unbelievable.
Gwen: Shut up.

I've wanted to get back together with Gwen ever since we weren't together anymore. I've obsessed about it. Now that it's happened, I must say I'm amazed and grateful. And I agree with Hector that it's b---s---.

Gwen: We talked about this.
Eddie: No. 
Gwen: We did. Don't you love me? 
Eddie: We did not. I love the bright,sexy woman up on-screen. 
Gwen: He loves me. 
Eddie: The movie girl. That's not you. You're good at pretending to be real. I think I'm with the real you, but I'm not. I'm with the real you, not the movie you. I don't want that.
Gwen: Why?
Eddie: I just explained it. 
Gwen: You did?
Eddie: I don't want to talk. Not in front of these...Why not? What could I have to say to you that I don't have to say in front of 300 international press members. I'll tell you why. I'm in love with your sister.

Gwen: I'm on pain medication that makes me say things I'd never say otherwise. To set the record perfectly straight Eddie and I never had any plans to reconcile. And Hector is very well-endowed. 
Hector: Almost too well-endowed.I've had complaints. Literally.

Kiki: No. No, this is crazy.Eddie, this isn't gonna work. 
Eddie: Listen to me. I'm grateful for you. In all the world, the thing I'm most grateful for is you.
Kiki: If that's a line from your movie...
Eddie: That one's mine.
Kiki: What do we do now?
Eddie: Traditionally...we kiss.